Attachment revisited

I went back and read this post that I wrote last year about attachment parenting:

Friday, March 23, 2007

Attachment Parenting

For those that are unfamiliar, attachment parenting is a method/idea/way of interacting with your child that is meant to promote a strong healthy bond between a child and her parent(s). Our social worker talked to us a lot about this during our homestudy, we had to read a book about it for our placement agency (and take a test!), and I have since read a lot of other articles and a few books on this concept. I am not, by any means, an expert on the topic. I've just been trying to learn what I can and apply it to our lives!
Although biological parent/child relationships can have attachment problems, it is much more of an issue with adopted children. These children have suffered great losses, experienced great change in every aspect of life, and are trying to make sense of the world. As parents, it is our job to help them develop a sense of security. Helping a child develop a strong sense of security at a young age is critical to their social, psychological and emotional development from now until forever!
I think people practice the attachment techniques to varying degrees. Some families don't let anyone else hold the new child for a year, co-sleep every night, and perform all aspects of care for the child. Some families don't do anything different with their adopted child than they would with a biological child.
I'm just curious as to how others are approaching this attachment issue. I was surprised to find that not everyone had studied about this. I met adopting parents in Guatemala talking about letting their young child 'cry it out,' or chastising their 8 month old for being 'lazy' for not holding his own bottle. According to the concepts of 'attachment parenting,' neither of these behaviors will help promote security and trust. I don't mean this discussion to criticize other parents, I've just been thinking a lot lately about what is right for us on this matter.
Here's what we've been doing:
- For the first 6 weeks only Matt or I changed diapers, fed her, put her to sleep, gave baths, etc.
Now, we are back to work and have to have a little help from friends and family for childcare. We try to limit this time as much as possible so that we are the ones doing the large majority of the care.
- We are lucky enough to have work schedules that allow oe of us to be with the baby most of the time. We only need childcare help 1 day (1 1/2 at the most) each week.
- We try to spend a lot of face to face and play time with the baby.
- I wear her (in a wrap) almost anytime we go out, and sometimes around the house as I do housework.
- We don't let her cry. As soon as she lets us know she is uncomfortable or unhappy, we soothe her and fix the problem. No 'crying it out' at this time.
- We try to stick to a regular routine. Even if we're out and about, naps and feedings are pretty consistent. We try to schedule things around naps. Nap/bedtime has a set routine each time.


We tried co-sleeping for 1 night - it didn't seem to work for us for a variety of reasons. And, she has been sleeping well in a crib since she came home. Although I understand the benefits of co-sleeping, we felt we were doing enough through the day that we could keep the nighttime routine ending in the crib.
A lot of friends and family have held this baby! We have such great support - everyone was dying to get to meet this girl. We do limit the time that others' hold her, and we always take her back immediately if she becomes fussy or seems uncomfortable.
I think things are going well. Eliana does great with her routine. She definitely knows us and loves to play with and be held by us. She seems to be more relaxed and comfortable every week.
I'm not sure why this has been on my mind so much lately. We're not having any problems, I'm not seeking advice on any particular anything. I guess I'm just worrying, as parents do, about whether what we're doing is enough. I'm not looking for reassurances, either. As I said, things seem to be going well. I'd just like to hear from some other adoptive and adopting parents on what they are doing/planning to do on this topic.
It's been a little frustrating to me lately that most non-adoptive parents don't understand the concept of attachment parenting. Why would they? It's one of those things that you wouldn't learn about unless it was affecting you. For me, though, this is something we will always be dealing with internally... and maybe externally by our behavior.... as we work to help our children feel secure and trusting of a family's love.

So.... what about you and your family?

I've been thinking about this stuff a lot lately. The ideas are the same with older children... but how they are put into practice may be a little different for some things. Matt and I feel ready for this challenge. We've done our homework and though it won't be easy at times, we know it's 100% worth the work.
In addition to the whole getting new parents thing, our girls will be dealing with a huge loss: loss of original family, country, culture, language... The frustrations they are likely to feel initially due to the language barrier and difficulty expressing their feelings and needs will also be very difficult. Imagine, just for a minute, the situation they will be in as they are whisked to this shiny, loud new country by their whiter-than-white new parents. It is so overwhelming and confusing just to think about it.... now imagine trying to cope with it as a 7 year old... or 2 year old!
I guess I wanted to revisit this topic for a couple of reasons. I'm curious as to what has/hasn't worked for other parents out there, especially those that have adopted older children. Also, I really want our friends and family to understand why we do what we do with our kids. There will be limited visitation initially. For how long - I don't know. For a long time we will be the only people that will feed our kids, give hugs, comfort them if their upset, hold them on our laps, etc. There won't be sleepovers at anyone else's home anytime soon, nor will Matt and I be able to go out alone for a while.
I think for a lot of people some of these things seem crazy. Everyone will want to let the girls know they love them. Everyone will want to get to know their new family members/friends. Sure, Matt and I might want a night out (maybe lots of nights out!). But for the first few months every decision we make has to be based on what will help build an attachment between us and our children. As the parents this is THE most important job we have - teaching them that the world is a safe, predictable place where there needs will be met by the people that will take care of them... their parents. Attachment between parents and children affects how a child learns, how they relate to other people, how they interpret the world. We have to take this seriously.

This style of parenting has worked great with Eliana so far. She is very well attached to both Matt and I and interacts with other people appropriately.

So, please, family and friends, bear with us. We have a big transition coming in the next few months that will take a lot of our time and energy. For a little while we may not be as accessible as usual, we may not return phone calls in a timely manner, and you may only see us in brief passings. But please know that we love you, we appreciate all of the support we have received SO much and just as soon as we can we will be thrilled to share our new family members with you.

We may do things a little differently ... but our family is a little different!
Thanks for understanding, or at least trying to understand.
If anyone is interested in attachment parenting, feel free to ask questions.
Imaginary friends: what's worked well for you as far as attachment techniques go?