Attachment Parenting
For those that are unfamiliar, attachment parenting is a method/idea/way of interacting with your child that is meant to promote a strong healthy bond bwteen a child and her parent(s). Our social worker talked to us a lot about this during our homestudy, we had to read a book about it for our placement agency (and take a test!), and I have since read a lot of other articles and a few books on this concept. I am not, by any means, an expert on the topic. I've just been trying to learn what I can and apply it to our lives!
Although biological parent/child relationships can have attachment problems, it is much more of an issue with adopted children. These children have suffered great losses, experienced great change in every aspect of life, and are trying to make sense of the world. As parents, it is our job to help them develop a sense of security. Helping a child evelop a strong sense of security at a young age is critical to their social, psychological and emotional development from now until forever!
I think people practice the attachment techniques to varying degrees. Some families don't let anyone else hold the new child for a year, co-sleep every night, and perform all aspects of care for the child. Some families don't do anything different with their adopted child than they would with a biological child.
I'm just curious as to how others are approaching this attachment issue. I was surprised to find that not everyone had studied about this. I met adopting parents in Guatemala talking about letting their young child 'cry it out,' or chastising their 8 month old for being 'lazy' for not holding his own bottle. According to the concepts of 'attachment parenting,' neither of these behaviors will help promote security and trust. I don't mean this discussion to criticize other parents, I've just been thinking a lot lately about what is right for us on this matter.
Here's what we've been doing:
- For the first 6 weeks only Matt or I changed diapers, fed her, put her to sleep, gave baths, etc.
Now, we are back to work and have to have a little help from friends and family for childcare. We try to limit this time as much as possible so that we are the ones doing the large majority of the care.
- We are lucky enough to have work schedules that allow oe of us to be with the baby most of the time. We only need childcare help 1 day (1 1/2 at the most) each week.
- We try to spend a lot of face to face and play time with the baby.
- I wear her (in a wrap) almost anytime we go out, and sometimes around the house as I do housework.
- We don't let her cry. As soon as she lets us know she is uncomfortable or unhappy, we soothe her and fix the problem. No 'crying it out' at this time.
- We try to stick to a regular routine. Even if we're out and about, naps and feedings are pretty consistent. We try to schedule things around naps. Nap/bedtime has a set routine each time.
We tried co-sleeping for 1 night - it didn't seem to work for us for a variety of reasons. And, she has been sleeping well in a crib since she came home. Although I understand the benefits of co-sleeping, we felt we were doing enough through the day that we could keep the nighttime routine ending in the crib.
A lot of friends and family have held this baby! We have such great support - everyone was dying to get to meet this girl. We do limit the time that others' hold her, and we always take her back immediately if she becomes fussy or seems uncomfortable.
I think things are going well. Eliana does great with her routine. She definitely knows us and loves to play with and be held by us. She seems to be more relaxed and comfortable every week.
I'm not sure why this has been on my mind so much lately. We're not having any problems, I'm not seeking advice on any particular anything. I guess I'm just worrying, as parents do, about whether what we're doing is enough. I'm not looking for reassurances, either. As I said, things seem to be going well. I'd just like to hear from some other adoptive and adopting parents on what they are doing/planning to do on this topic.
It's been a little frustrating to me lately that most non-adoptive parents don't understand the concept of attachment parenting. Why would they? It's one of those things that you wouldn't learn about unless it was affecting you. For me, though, this is something we will always be dealing with internally... and maybe externally by our behavior.... as we work to help our children feel secure and trusting of a family's love.
So.... what about you and your family?
posted by Jenny and Matt @ 9:19 PM
15 Comments:
My daughter isn't adopted so my situation is a little different, but I can tell it's working. I can't really put it into words, but my daughter just seems "different" then other babies. She is extremely curious, social and happy. She almost never crys, because she nows that just by small actions I'll respond to any of her needs. I think that's when you know your doing enough; if your child seems happy and you can sense what they need.
This is an issue of conversation in our family. My inlaws don't get it and think that we are being over protective first time parents when I tell them our plan when she comes home (first 2 weeks, no visitors and then 6 weeks at least we are the only ones meeting her needs...much like you are doing - of course this was all pre=fostering so I don't know if that will effect how I deal with things...waiting to see how things work out). My MIL keeps saying she was adopted and her parents never did any of that (she was adopted at 2 days old - and it was the 40's - little different!) and saying that she can see us doing that briefly but surely we don't mean for it to be ongoing. She doesn't seem to understand that it is a long term process to assure bonding and attachment.
As for co-sleeping, definitely not our long term plan. She cosleeps with her foster mom now (I don't care what the FM says, I know she is lol) and during the transition I may co-sleep until I can work to get her used to sleeping in a crib. It's not that I am against co-sleeping, it is simply that I am an active sleeper and I am afraid of smacking her with a stray arm or rolling on her. When she slept with me in Guatemala on my last visit trip, I barely slept at all. And a tired momma isn't a happy momma!
It sounds like we do just about the same things that you do. We did cosleep a little on our visit trip but a lot of that was because Marcus had a cold and it was easier to keep him upright so his nose wasnt so stuffy. I was hoping to cosleep once he was home but he was so comfortable sleeping in his crib from day 1 that we never pressed the issue. He is almost a 1 year old and still we hold the 1 bottle he gets a day for him. We let people hold him from the beginning but it was always on his terms. If he wasnt happy, then we took him back. No one fed or bathed or changed him for the first several months. He has been home for 5 months now and I think he has been changed once and fed twice by someone other than Greg and me. That is mostly because we are just always around. Next month he will be going to day care 5 days a week and things will certainly change very quickly concerning all of that. We werent going to do "cry it out" either. Then around 10 months old (3 months after he was home and we had felt at this point that we had built a lot of trust together) we just had enough. He would wake up several times a night and then wouldnt sleep unless we were rocking him. We were all tired and miserable. It was so hard to do but after 2 nights we were all sleeping so much better. Two months later and I cant even remember the last time he didnt sleep through the night. I dont carry him in the sling as much as I used to, mainly because he is over 20 lbs now and unless it is a short trip out, my arms and back just cant take it! Most of all, we just trust our instincts. We stick to routines and take cues from Marcus on what to do.
Jenny--We plan on doing what you guys have been doing...limiting others holding her, cuddling and playing a lot, not letting her 'cry it out', carrying her around in a sling (although her FM said she is 'very active' so that may not happen!). We are going to try to have her sleep in her crib just because I don't sleep when a baby is in bed with me but if she wakes up crying we will be right there to soothe and rock her. Who knows how all of this will actually play out but all of what you said sounded like what we will try.
jenny, you are so educated and informed. it is so nice as an outsider who is unfamilar with the various aspects of this process to have you explain everything as it happens. though people may not understand at first, your calm and rational education helps us all be as supportive as we can. as a member of eliana's family, i thank you! we all want to do the best by her.
Many of my friends do babywise with their bio children and so that is what we had planned for Kaleb. Once we got home we did the total opposite. We tried a few times to let him cry it out, but that lasted a total of 5 minutes. I might have been different if he was biological, but knowing everything he had been through, letting him cry just didn't work for us. He slept great in his crib for the first 9 months home and then all a sudden he would scream in the middle of the night like he was scared to death. Pretty much since then he has been sleeping in our room. He has a little kids couch that he sleeps in and then around 4 he gets in bed with us. Our parents don't understand this as well, and my dad makes comments about how good it is going to look when Kaleb is 16 and still in bed with us. It gets frustrating feeling like no one understands why you do things a certain way. It is nice to know that we are not alone. Keep up what you are doing and try not to let others get you down.
I have a couple of friends that attachment parent (both of their children are biological). And the only problem they seem to have is the complaining they do about the attachment parenting. LOL It's strange to hear them sing the praises of attachment parenting, and then in the same sentence complain because they never get any time to themselves.
I say, do what works best for you and your family. If others don't like it, that's their problem. Only you and your husband know what's best for the baby, don't ever let anyone try to convince you otherwise!!
Our first adoption, Nico(Colombia), we didn't do alot of this. We treated him as if he were biological. I, however, was with him for six weeks in Colombia under my care the entire time, so we bonded pretty well during that time. He also was 4 1/2 mo. the first time we met him. He spent the first 4 months in an orphanage and didn't get too many to hold him, and I think we are dealing with other issues because of that. He is very independant and doesn't "need" us too much! We are attached, but not as closely as I would like! As far as our second, Sonja (Guatemala), we are using the crib at night and for naps. We started out with just the crib at night/naps were in our bed. For the early morning bottle, I put her in our bed and have her take her bottle there while we lay next to her and she more times then not, falls asleep. During the day, we play, cuddle, interact. During the weekend and church is where we get others who wish to hold her. For the first three weeks, we didn't allow anyone to hold her. We now are allowing people to hold her, but what we are finding out is, she will only go to certain people and usually not for a long time. She is wimpering for us if someone else is holding her, who she is not use to. We usually take her back as soon as she wimpers and tells us she's not comfortable. The challenging part is when our son wants to carry and hold her all the time. We have allowed it, because we realize that they too need to bond, but he wanted to hold her all the time when we first got home. She was attached to my husband in GC very badly, but when we got home we "forced" her to bond with me. I did diapers, feeding, bottles, laying down for bed, dressing, etc. until she was fine with either my husband or I doing those things for her. I guess the sign that she wimpers for us when someone else is holding her, tells me that she is attaching to us. When she sees me head for the kitchen and she's hungry - she only wants me! She knows who will feed her!! It's pretty funny!!
I think it's awesome that you put so much thought into this ;) You are also SOOOOO right about other people not understanding -- I think we made everyone in our families mad at least once during Brayden's first few months at home :) We did not let anyone else feed him for the first few months, we rocked him to sleep for the first year, and we never let him "cry it out" for anything (that also had a lot to do with his heart condition), if he woke up we went running to him (he did have night terrors sometimes). Now that he's been home for a year, we've successfully transitioned to him going to bed alone and staying in bed. He always slept in his crib, but now we put him down while he is still awake, and if he wakes up during the night (which he never does anymore) we go in and lay him back down without getting him out of the crib. We didn't try that until we knew tha the time was right, and it just so happened that it took about 1 year. We've always let everyone hold him and play with him, but we made sure that we provided the "care" for quite a while and we did far more holding and playing than anyone else :)
WoW! Thanks for this discussion, folks. Hopefully more to come.... It seems to help a lot of us to have others to talk to about this.
I do most of the same things that you do, although I did have to learn the difference between fussing and crying. M gets fussy when she is tired, and when she's tired, she likes to be in her crib! I think fussing is her way of putting herself to sleep. That said, I never let her do the ugly cry! That was the thing for us - to figure out when she was fussy because she really wanted to go to bed, and when she was crying. Over time I figured out that she wasn't getting enough sleep, and needed to go to bed at the first sign of sleepiness. Things are much smoother now, and she almost always goes down for a nap smiling and at peace.
All in all, M is a wonderful baby, very content and happy, so crying isn't really an issue for us, thankfully! One thing you didn't mention is bath time - I usually put M in the tub with me (which actually started b/c leaning over to give her a bath was killing my back!). It's a fun time - she loves the bath, and that gives us lots of skin to skin contact.
Good luck! It sounds like you're doing a great job.
We are planning to be fairly AP in our approach, although he's used to sleeping in a crib, and I don't think I'll mess with that. On our visit trip, the really hard parts were when I had checked all orifices and he was still fussy... there seems to be this idea that there will always be a need that the baby has that you can meet. And sometimes, I think his need was just to exercise his vocal chords!
I worry about trying to set these limits with my family - I know they are absolutely dying to get their hands on him!
This was a HUGE and still IS a HUGE issue for us. We tried preparing all the family as best as we could before bringing her home but many of them did not and still do not see our point of views. Kris and I are the ONLY ones that care for Mikayla. We do not allow others to do "caretaking" things such a bottles, feeding, bathing, diapering, ect. We don't. Period. We also do not let Mikayla EVER Cry It Out. NO. We soothe her whenever she needs soothed because we want her to know we are there for her and we will take care of her. I want her secure and trusting of us. I have to say. We have done good because this week I got my FIRST dose of just HOW attached she was to us. You already know all that has gone on so I don't need to explain it but when the nurses would try to comfort her they could not. The minute Kris or I held her she would settle down. She looks for us, settles down with us, she TRUSTS us. This week really proved it. It was TOUGH week and I was worried it would cause setbacks but it has not. We DO allow our family to HOLD Mikayla or play with her...but NO caretaking things at all. In fact I have taken yet ANOTHER semester (fall) off to stay home with her. So once she has to start daycare (which will be partime) she will have been home with JUST us for one full year. Now of COURSE I know this not possible for everyone but I feel blessed for this opportunity. We did not co-sleep with Mikayla because we didn't want to start it. She was already sleeping wonderfully in her crib...why change that. HOWEVER...if she would have NEEDED to co-sleep we would have tried it. I read up A LOT on attachment before Mikayla came home. I already knew a lot of it from my classes at school (teacher). The family has done WELL in obeying our requests and we have NOT had a lot of vistitors at all. Interestingly enough...Mikayla is also very attached to Alec and we allow him to help feed her because we want a good bond between them as well. We also follow a schedule, which this week was thrown ALL out of wack...but I stick RIGHT to it. And she loves it.
Hugs
I am so glad you posted this. Most of my family thinks I am crazy for setting the "6 week" and "only we feed, change, bathe" limits. My cousin was adopted from Korea, and she's 18. I don't know if AP was used, but I can say that I remember that poor child being passed around like no one's business when she first came home. I've already said no to that, so let's hope they listen. We live two states away from 99% of our family, so that shouldn't be too hard- no visits.
As for co-sleeping, we'll have to see. FM already does that, as she said on the video (although she said *sometimes*, yea right). Our problem is that we're both pretty wild sleepers, and having a little one IN bed with us would be bad. One of those co-sleepers might work, but our bed is SUPER high, so not sure.
As you know, I already have the mei tei, and plan on using it as much as possible. We might also get a sling or wrap as well- he's getting BIG, so I am not sure how long he would be good with either of those.
Thank you for the post!
ooh Jenny I would love to pick your brain!!!!!--Can I ask you what book you read? --I want to get it!!!--I have read Attachment Parenting--by Dr Sears
Okay--oooh I don't even know where to begin--we are doing almost the exact same thing you guys are doing--except I have been the one to do it all just because I stay at home and my hubby really helps out with Caleb--because of this she will whine sometimes if Jeff is holding her--but I take her back and she is fine---I am a mom who could never let a baby cry it out --Caleb never cried it out --he cried a lot because he had chronic ear infections but I held him too all day!--It was just what worked for me as a mom--I hold her a lot and I never let her cry
I had a crazy day today Jenny --and I have been thinking about this all night and I have been worried all night about it--We went to a bridal shower today and we saw so many distant relatives --well we have been home for eight weeks --and everyone wanted to hold her--so probably seven or eight people held her--- when they did this she would always look for me --there were a couple times I went to the bathroom and one time I ran out to the car when I came back she was fussing-- so I took her-- she would never let anyone hold over two or three minutes--although everyone who held her would always try to talk me in to not taking her when she started to fuss--I am a very people pleasing person and it is very hard for me to say no--so this was hard to say to them I really need her back (although I did) --and my mom ooh my she is the hardest --it is so hard for her to understand all of this --and then she just makes fun of me --telling me I am acting like a "new" parent-- I can't even begin to tell you my frustration --tonight all I could think about was my baby girl and if she was all right after today and seeing so many faces and being held so much --she was fine and ooh so happy tonight when we came home but I am a worrier--
oooh okay Jenny-- I can ask you I have no one who really understands this!!!! I am so so so blessed to have you!!!! --she is fine with her carseat most of the time--but here is something I worried and worried about--okay Saturday afternoon she and I went to Gymboree--we had so much fun I carried her thru the mall --she was Miss Smiley and I was thinking she is going to love this when she gets older!!! --Well we got into the car and she started crying-so I gave her a pacifire sp? it didn't work --I gave her some toys it didn't work I knew she wasn't hungry I had just fed her and changed her at the mall --so we would good to go --well she kept crying so I kept stopping when I could--I offered her another bottle she didn't want it she just wanted to be held --it took me over an hour to get home and it usually takes 15 minutes!! I just tried to keep stopping because she was crying so hard --I am at a loss as to what to do --this has happened a couple of times and I jsut don't know what to do--the only thing that calms her is if I hold her and I can't while I drive--I was worried this would break our bond--she cried and cried while I drove and if I tried to talk to her to console her she cried harder as if to say why aren't you picking me up? --I just don't know what to do about this carseat situation it has happened three times and it breaks my heart any suggestions?--ooh and when we get home she is fine she just wants to be held--any advice?--Thanks for this post!!!!! hugs to you my friend!!!! :o)
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